Enjoyed a good discussion
with one of my children today, regarding friends. Specifically, how to manage
competing interests. One friend wants to do one thing, another something else,
and another nothing at all; how to balance that to please the majority, while
also remembering to prioritize personal well-being. Good question. And one I
hardly feel qualified to answer.
Growing up, I had one
close friend. One person I hung out with 90% of the time. The other 10% I was
either up to my elbows in household chores, or horse, chicken, and rabbit dung.
More often than not, my friend helped me get my livestock chores out of the
way, because we were in some instances partners--we each owned rabbits and
chickens and caged them on my property, bred the bucks and does, hens and
roosters, and sold the kits and chicks at auction--and because in exchange for
helping, my friend had exclusive access to ride one of my horses. But time
changes everything. And everyone.
By the time we were
eighteen, we each had serious boyfriends. From different backgrounds and friend
groups. My parents had separated, and my mom sold my childhood home; I had to
sell most of my animals, taking with me only one horse (boarded out) and my
dog. My friend and I hung out less often, wrapped up as we were in our new
boyfriends and their family/social groups. Not to mention full-time jobs.
Eventually, we each married our respective boyfriends, and our visits were even
less frequent. Then I had kids. She didn't. My marriage broke up. Hers didn't.
She had kids. I remarried and moved away. Had more kids. My friend and I went
from hanging out daily in elementary and high school, to not seeing or speaking
to each other for months. Sometimes a year or more. And yet, when we did
finally manage to coordinate our personal and family schedules to visit, it was
like we'd never been apart. That's friendship.
The same is true with
most of those people I consider true friends.
Me and one of my life-long friends. Not the one mentioned in the post. |
We don't talk or text
every day. We don't hang out every weekend. And we're not all in the same
group. Or lifestyle circumstances.
My friends are spread
out. Only two live within ten minutes of me. The others are anywhere from an
hour, to twelve hours away. Some are married or in long-term relationships.
Others single. I see some more often than others. And they all mean the world
to me.
Friendship isn't about
how much time you spend together, or how you spend that time. Friendship is in
the heart. It's a feeling, and it can't be charted.
I've made mistakes with
regards to friendship. Looking back with age and wisdom, I realize people I
thought were close friends, were actually, In The Moment Friends. Meaning, that
in that moment in our lives, we needed each other. We each served a purpose for
the other, providing emotional or physical support. Shared lifestyle. Children
of similar age, or on the same sport's team. And when that moment in our lives
passed, or we outgrew the need for the other person's support, developed new
interests or hobbies, or entered a different stage in our life where that
person no longer easily fit, or filled a necessary role, like a black hole
collapsing inward, the relationship imploded. It happens.
What I also learned, is
that true friends forgive. They actively strive to resolve differences. As my
childhood best friend and I did. Many, many, times.
We threw rocks at each
other. And hurtful names. Hung up on each other. Refused to answer the phone
when the other called. And yet somehow, we always found our way back to each
other. Our way back to putting our friendship above petty differences.
So, when it comes to
managing competing differences among friends, I have no hard, fast answer. I
don't know that there is an answer.
I think, however, when
you're happy in yourself, in who you are and what you do, you'll attract
like-minded friends. People with whom you can safely share and exchange ideas,
interests, goals, and dreams; people who support you, or, at the very least,
give you the freedom to do what you need to do, to be happy. People unafraid to
challenge you if, or when, you veer off path, or attempt to sacrifice important
values or goals for less-important or easier diversions; people willing to be
honest, and who value your honesty in return. Friends care. Even when you don't
do what they want you to. Even when you don't like some of the things they do.
Even when you want something they don't. The same is true in reverse.
Friendship is about
empowering those you care about to be authentic; to be true to themselves. To
their goals. Their dreams. Their values. And perhaps, that's the answer.
Check your
values. Do they align with the people you consider friends? Do theirs
align with yours?
Our friendships are a
reflection of who we are. In the moment. At the time. Where we are in our life.
Where we'll end up. Some friendships flow, change, and grow with us our entire
lives; others last only until the harvest. The key to recognizing the
difference, and appreciating each, is to spend time with and know, nurture,
educate, entertain, love and empower, the very best-friend you'll ever have:
You.
Deborah
To be capable of steady
friendship or lasting glove are the two greatest proofs, not only of goodness
of heart, but of strength of mind. ~William Hazlitt
1 comment:
Hi, Deborah
You used to write about Neil and Deidre. I am curious as to what happened next on their adventure…
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