Friday, September 16, 2011

Embrace the Suck

Ever had one of those weeks where you wish you could go to bed and wake up when it was over? Yeah. One of those weeks, where you're wearing two left shoes, your brain attempts to reel in words your tongue already fired, all the clothes in your closet shrank, and you have the patience of a spring Grizzly on the Grapefruit diet?

That's been my week. And no matter how much I convinced myself the next day would be better, my bad mood temporary, the washing machine and not a lack of exercise was too blame for my incredibly shrinking wardrobe, and I wasn't losing my mind, I did not believe it. Not even a little bit. And the more I struggled to rise above the negative feelings, the stronger they dragged me down, like quicksand swallowing a floundering wildebeest. So today, after a chat with my mom (thanks mom) I decided to stop fighting it. Stop resisting, and embrace the SUCK. And you know what? I feel better.

No, my clothes are not suddenly slipping over my hips like blue silk over white marble, and yes, I did lose my cool this week, maybe more than once, and I am not leaping around with the grace of a Nutcracker ballerina. But what I am doing, is accepting that I'm not perfect. I know. Surprised me, too. But the truth is, I screwed up. I'm out of shape. The atmosphere at work is beyond gloomy. And some people are just plain rude. And it's not my fault. Well...the out-of-shape thing is in my court, and the losing my cool thing, but...

The rising cost of energy, weak economy, and world-wide epidemic of social conflict from Libya to the HST debacle is all OUT of MY CONTROL. So why do I feel like I should be doing something to help fix it? Because I'm insane, that's why. Not to mention compassionate, concerned, empathetic, and overwhelmed by the doomsday messages fed intrabrainously through modem and cable lines. In short, my candle is a puddle of wax barely supporting a feeble flickering flame.
And it's time for a little TLC.

I need to redirect my focus to what matters—family and friends—and redevelop my sense of humor. And gratitude. And accept that I can't fix everything all the time, and sometimes I can't fix anything at any time. I am human. I know. That surprised me, too, especially after years of trying to fool people into believing I was Supermom and Uber Responsible Efficient Employee of the Year. Somewhere along the line, I outgrew those titles. Or collapsed under them. And frankly, I'm not sure I ever want to wobble under their mantles again. Mom, sure. Employee, maybe. But Super and Uber? No. Average and reliable are sounding perfectly acceptable to me, for now, and for now that will have to do. So…

On the weekend TLC agenda to help restore a modicum of well being and maybe with it, a modest level of sanity? Write. Exercise. Hug my boys. Hug my mom. Dinner and drinks with my girlfriends. Clean and putter around the house. Trim the cats' claws. Read. Soak in a bath. Unpack my suitcase that is still on the floor in my bedroom from August (subconscious hope I'd win the lottery and jet off for lunch at a Paris sidewalk bistro?). In short, nothing that requires me to argue with, or solve other people's problems, or listen to lengthy tirades on how I, or the company I work for, can go to hell (seriously, don't they realize, when I'm sitting there nodding my head and trying to smile through their crap, I'm already there?). And to the lady I asked if she had woken up in her bad mood? I'm sorry. And I hope you take some time and treat yourself to a little TLC. I think you need it as much as I.



Linda G. said...

*Hugs* Welcome to "normal." It's not so bad once you get used to it. :)

Deborah said...


Thanks, Linda!